For close to 15 years I worked for a guy who clearly enjoyed the opportunity to slam people who were absent from staff meetings. Getting a laugh at someone else’s expense seemed to give him a charge. The way I see it, making chicken shit comments about people behind their backs, especially to an audience, ranks high on the list of evil things we can do to one another. Sometimes I laughed at his comments. Shame on me for being amused at the expense of someone else. The joke is on me, however, because I got my share of the bad end of the stick when I was absent from meetings. One of the greatest epiphanies so far in my 64 years came when I made a decision to leave this job, effectively to stop earning an income—thank God that it all sort of worked out—and said to him, “you’ll never talk this way to me (or about me) again.” Even though it’s been seven years, I still re-play this tape when I’m in a frame of mind to beat up on myself. Slowly, I’m letting go of this and all the others that have served me little but ill. Life sure can seem personal at times.
“Don’t take it personally,” he advises. The truth, however, is that we do take things personally when they seem to diminish us in some way. Awhile back I was discussing Don Miguel Ruiz’s THE FOUR AGREEMENTS with a friend in Santa Fe. She related that a friend of hers had commented, “How can I not take personally what feels personal?” When someone gossips about us, lies outright, embellishes or reshapes the truth about us, or just outright seeks to hurt us with their words and actions, even putting into print something that is damaging, how are we not to take it personally? According to the principles of Ruiz’s agreements, however, if we effectively rise above what appears meant to lessen us, we are in a sense home free. Frankly, it is tough for me to wrap my heart around this advice. Yet, I realize that targeting someone else with my stuff says a whole lot more about me than about anyone on whom I might take aim.
Over the years I’ve heard people say, “Well, if you’re talking about me, at least you’re leaving somebody else alone”. How true, and what a great way to put a little levity into an otherwise painful truth about human nature. If we could take a poll, what would the results show? Do you think anyone who is old enough to know better hasn’t jockeyed for points at someone else’s expense, discussed someone else’s personal matters—without justification, let’s face it—and worst of all, passed judgment on someone else? Perhaps the biggest offense is hiding behind the cloak or morality or religion, clucking our tongues, while eagerly casting the first stone.
Animals instinctually seek to protect themselves. We flee from threat or we stand our ground in the face of danger. Sometimes we go in search of prey. Dogs raise their hackles at one another and fight over anything from a bone to another dog; birds fly aggressively into windows—prompted to protect their turf when seeing their own image reflected in glass (what an ironic metaphor); humans disagree, even take up arms over—everything—even their God. Maybe the only way for those given the power of reason not to be overcome by what seems personal and harmful is to step outside ourselves on a regular basis, and as Atticus Finch advised his young daughter in To Kill a Mockingbird, walk in somebody else’s shoes.
As I struggle with truth, so plainly before my face; as I falter with this load of baggage I lug around with me; as I habitually want to blame someone or something else for my fears and the complications of my life; as I seek to impose my will on someone else; as I foolishly hold others accountable; as I ignorantly blame anyone for the misfortunes that have come his or her way; as I seek to make hostages of anyone in any way; let me remember. What we say or do with regard to any other person may indeed be much more about us and not so much about that person. When we stereotype and brand, we are waving the banner of our own shortcomings. Life is real personal. Realizing fully my own burdens as a willful creature who struggles daily to step outside himself is real personal.
Don’t Take It Personally—Normangee, Texas (February 27, 2008)
R. Harold Hollis
“Don’t take it personally,” he advises. The truth, however, is that we do take things personally when they seem to diminish us in some way. Awhile back I was discussing Don Miguel Ruiz’s THE FOUR AGREEMENTS with a friend in Santa Fe. She related that a friend of hers had commented, “How can I not take personally what feels personal?” When someone gossips about us, lies outright, embellishes or reshapes the truth about us, or just outright seeks to hurt us with their words and actions, even putting into print something that is damaging, how are we not to take it personally? According to the principles of Ruiz’s agreements, however, if we effectively rise above what appears meant to lessen us, we are in a sense home free. Frankly, it is tough for me to wrap my heart around this advice. Yet, I realize that targeting someone else with my stuff says a whole lot more about me than about anyone on whom I might take aim.
Over the years I’ve heard people say, “Well, if you’re talking about me, at least you’re leaving somebody else alone”. How true, and what a great way to put a little levity into an otherwise painful truth about human nature. If we could take a poll, what would the results show? Do you think anyone who is old enough to know better hasn’t jockeyed for points at someone else’s expense, discussed someone else’s personal matters—without justification, let’s face it—and worst of all, passed judgment on someone else? Perhaps the biggest offense is hiding behind the cloak or morality or religion, clucking our tongues, while eagerly casting the first stone.
Animals instinctually seek to protect themselves. We flee from threat or we stand our ground in the face of danger. Sometimes we go in search of prey. Dogs raise their hackles at one another and fight over anything from a bone to another dog; birds fly aggressively into windows—prompted to protect their turf when seeing their own image reflected in glass (what an ironic metaphor); humans disagree, even take up arms over—everything—even their God. Maybe the only way for those given the power of reason not to be overcome by what seems personal and harmful is to step outside ourselves on a regular basis, and as Atticus Finch advised his young daughter in To Kill a Mockingbird, walk in somebody else’s shoes.
As I struggle with truth, so plainly before my face; as I falter with this load of baggage I lug around with me; as I habitually want to blame someone or something else for my fears and the complications of my life; as I seek to impose my will on someone else; as I foolishly hold others accountable; as I ignorantly blame anyone for the misfortunes that have come his or her way; as I seek to make hostages of anyone in any way; let me remember. What we say or do with regard to any other person may indeed be much more about us and not so much about that person. When we stereotype and brand, we are waving the banner of our own shortcomings. Life is real personal. Realizing fully my own burdens as a willful creature who struggles daily to step outside himself is real personal.
Don’t Take It Personally—Normangee, Texas (February 27, 2008)
R. Harold Hollis
3 comments:
Harold this is an AMAZING post. I think you have made some exceptional points, and so beautifully written!
I hope you don't mind me keeping up with your blog. I immensely enjoy reading your thoughts- Thank you!
I agree with the first poster - you have written words that make me stop and think - I have done so many of those things on occasion, and yet I find it so offensive when I hear it from someone else. (Making light of someone else to get a laugh, etc.) I have only my reflection to face up to and at times it has been hard to look into that mirror. Thanks you for your words, your thoughts and your insight. I will continue to stop by and read often. Maybe we will make this world better by making ourselves better.
Colleen
Luke 6:27-28 “But I say to you who are listening: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
http://net.bible.org/passage.php?passage=luke%206:27-28
Great post Harold. As we learn to walk out Luke 6:28 we can move from allowing people's negative talk about us to creating a postive outcome. The second result will be less of us talking negative about others.
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